After having a conversation with a friend of mine last night, I began to think. She was complaining about the men in her life she "chooses" to deal with. She was saying how they keep doing the same things, expecting something from nothing, and etc. Now, most women at some point have dealt with shortcomings from men; I know I have.
My question is, WHY are we still blaming the men?? Is it not our free will to stay in a failed or failing relationship? My thing is, don't be upset with the man for doing exactly what he's been doing. If he is continually using the best parts of you and giving you no kind of reciprocity, you have all of the free will earthly possible to DISABLE him. The problem I have found is that us women enable some of these men to continue their half attempts of the relationship. With each failed promise, hurt feelings, and broken heart, we hope that the results will be different next time. Exactly how many times will it take for you to realize that the next time will likely produce the same results?!
I had a conversation with my male cousin. He stated that he felt lied to when a woman wants to change the status of the relationship. Basically, if you start the relationship as casual, then you have no right to try to up the stakes. Of course, I totally disagreed with him. Nine times out of ten, the woman will start developing stronger feelings before the man. Since women act more off of emotion we can become confused even though its been said. Even when the man says they don't want a relationship, but treats us like we are in a relationship, we start thinking that he may really want a relationship. The truth is, he may be just a good dude who knows how to treat women but he's just not ready for a relationship.
However, when that happens, it forces you to re-evaluate the direction of the relationship. At that moment, it is up to you to decide one of the following 1) allow the relationship to continue in hopes he will have a change of heart or 2)acknowledge that what you want and what he want are two different things and it may be best to go your respected ways.
Sidenote: Just because a man isn't ready to be in a relationship when you are does NOT make him a bad guy. Just not THAT guy.
Most women choose option 1 and though there is a chance for it to work, there is a chance it won't. You are enabling him to continue the kind of relationship he wants and ignoring what you really want. (We are such hopeful and patient creatures) Eventually, you will become upset with him for not wanting to progress when he already told you he wasn't ready. You can't be upset with the man when you enabled him in the situation. You have to be upset with yourself for staying and not looking out for your star player (shot out to Katt Williams). Anway, these are just a few of my thoughts/ramblings and I would love to hear yours.There are so many sub-topics of this note that are yet to be explored.....
(Author: V. R. 2009)
9 comments:
I so have to agree... I have enabled a man or two I will admit but now I don't feel like I have to settle for the choice. Like you said, we as women have to realize what we want and if they don't want that same then move on. Don't get angry with that guy, be cool. It was just another thing that did not work out. Or in my case, run fast way and still maintain little convo until you feel like you can be a real friend instead of being jealous that he is not your forever lover... lol...
Wow, very well put....
Though, I would love to give ya'll "ALL" the blame for it I can't help but feel like we take advantage of the situation most times. Just as you are well aware of your enabling actions.
We as men, are well aware of what you want and what we are giving you and we will selfishly dangle the hope of better days to come in order to keep your enabling ass right where we need you. (note i chose to say, right were we "need" you)
I don't want to take over your blog, so i'm gonna leave it at that. Very nicely done, V.I.
Life's Short,
B. Free
Sigh.
I just had this conversation with a gentleman. You hit in right on the head. I'm guilty...I've been that woman. As women, we hear the words "I don't want a relationship", but what we REALLY pay attention to is their actions. Because to us, actions speak louder than words, right? What is key is that we learn lessons from our relationship. Men say what they mean. If a man doesn't want to be in a relationship, believe him. You can't change his mind. And you will be mad when he does decide to be in a relationship...but not with you. You will be angry because of all the time, energy, hope and love that you put into a man who TOLD you what he was about from the start. We as women need to take responsibility for our decisions. We made the decision to give without being given to. We forget that old song "It feels so good, loving somebody when somebody loves you back." If someone isn't loving you back, it most certainly doesn't feels good. We have that inner intuition when something isn't right...and we need to remember to listen to it.
And to the comment: "Sidenote: Just because a man isn't ready to be in a relationship when you are does NOT make him a bad guy. Just not THAT guy." Amen and Amen.
Ladies, don't let a brotha who doesn't want to be in a relationhips with you change or alter your self worth. Just because someone may not appreciate all that you are, doesn't mean that you aren't. It just means that they don't qualify.
This is some deep stuff... I will agree you on this V.I V... and Teddy, you too make sense. Too often we think that because we are good (job, respectable, caring) men that women will want to be around us just for the heck of it. If a guy know he is not looking to be in a relationship, stop hanging out with women on that level... Easier said than done, but it can be done. As much as we can say "I did tell you", it still hurts and when it happend to me in the past, it did not feel good at all. So, Viv, this is not only for the ladies, but there are a few men who get caught and burn (:)) also.... I am Nicholas Powell and these are my thoughts.
This is a great note. The whole enabling/disabling concept is a tricky one. And not an easy one to master. But ladies, you know when you get that feeling in your gut that you're not happy with the relationship or that man or yourself with that man (read that last line carefully)...etc. listen to that, take heed...that is God trying to help you out. And men, this applies to you too. Yes, it gets hard out here being single and companionship is so appealing...but if you're lonely even when that person is around, that's a sign. Keep it movin', and by that I mean no phone calls, no text messages, no emails...let it completely die out. There's a reason there's an "ing" on the word dating, it's meant to be something we continuously do until we find our match. Capitalize on this luxury folks! Talk to supportive friends and family, pray, and remind yourself daily of how amazing you are. Let that man go (or woman) and watch God work in your life! He will reward you for loving yourself just a fraction of how much He loves you!
"I would like to personally thank the young lady that wrote women need to stop blaming it on the guy if he tell you he is not looking for a relationship and he just wants to be friends. Ladies that statement alone should tell you to run!!!!!! if a guy states that to you. LOL. He may not be a bad guy.... he is just not looking for what you want at that time. As women we need to know what we want and if we are not getting it then move on and stop wasting ur time settling! Women tend to wear their emotions on theri sleeves. Ladies a man can ONLY do what you ALLOW them to. See my definition of "friends is Platonic one that is described in the Websters's Dictionary. That one does not come with French benefits...LOL"
I have to agree to, this is well said and every woman and man for that matter should read this, especially the convo with your cousin i have a friend that does just that and wonders why she got feelings duhhhhhh.................................. but he don't listen to me so maybe hell listen to you!!!!!
my job here is done...
I am a strong advocate of loving yourself first and nowing what it takes to making yourself work before you are willing to put your all into making a relationship work. I am guilty of leading down this self-destruction path of allowing someone to have the relationship they want with me and in turn I feel empty and wanting more. But first we must love ourselves and the right situation/right person will follow along. I know people are reading this like "I Love myself", but if we really looked at it and evaluated our behavior and things that we do to self-destruct ourselves or keep entertaining this non-conducive situations, you will find out that you really don't love yourself to allow this. I am definately a guilty party of letting this happen so I am not pointing any fingers, but the four that are pointing at me.
Phi
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