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Can we be more than friends? Why the Phuck Not?

Dear B. Free,

It just amazes me that people think they can come into ur life as friends and because their feelings change, yours should change as well. What i'm noticing is that the phrase, "I am not looking to get into a relationship at this time" apparently does not mean "I am not trying to get into a relationship at this time" anymore. Apparently it means, "If you hang around long enough, hopefully your will change and then we can be together!

Furthermore; when I remind you, that we agreed to "just be friends", you cant deal with it, and i'm asshole and a dog (or a Ho, Bitch and so on). Next thing you know all men are dogs and users and all women are Hoes & Bitches.

You every think it could it be something as simple as that person isn't ready for whatever reason to enter into a relationship with you as it may effect that same relationship you are trying to cultivate? People, please, please becareful what you ask for. You just might get it!

Have you ever experience this? What is your take on it?

Dazed & Confused in the Lou,


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14 comments:

Ms. Parker said...

Hey Dazed & Confused,

I am dealing with this now and I am just like dude get this shit right or we won't even be able to be friends. Now he ain't went as far as to call me outta my name but I know it will be there once he decides to just give up. We all have our own reasons for not wanting to be in relationships and once ppl can realize that it's not all about them they we don't wanna be in one then they will realize the importance of the friendship that we have. Just a small insert for you... You are not the only one here....

ladyj said...

I've dealt with it. I've learned that it's really not about what he wants, but what you want. So, if you're involved with a guy who says "I'm not ready to be in a relationship"...then why waste your time if a relationship is what you want? You will not change his mind. And you will be even more upset when he does decide to be in a relationship...but not with you.

Analyst said...

Lady J, you are so right. It is about what you want. This is why people should put everything on the table and be honest enough to say what is on your heart at all time. Feelings do change, which is why being open and honest is important. If I can not discuss my feelings with you, then I need not mess with you. Some people then to think if a girl/guy wants to be friends, then it automatically should lead to a relationship. We as a generation should teach the younger that friendship does not have to include a sexual acts... Dazed & and confused, I feel you on what you might be going through, but you can't let people change who you are. Know what you want in a relationship and go for it.. at the same time, don't mis-lead people then come out here talking that stuff...lol

That *igga! said...

Dazed and Confused...We must accept the fact that feelings change over time. If necessary the initial agreement should be revisited by both parties regularly. This can be achieved through open and honest communication. If it is determined that both parties are no longer on the same page then the 'friendship' has reached a decision gate. Often times, because feelings are involved someone will be hurt but that blow can be lessoned if honesty has been provided since the beginning. It may not seem to be the easy route but avoiding situations that make someone scream "What the Phuck?" will in the end be the best route for everyone involved.

Chellesz4SHOrt said...

Good Afternoon,
At the same time(of course agreeing with all the comments, they all make sense) I feel that a man/woman shouldn't make the "advancements" that may trigger this friend to thinking or making that assumption that things may be able to conform into something more than the FRIENDSHIP. Don't come to me (and I'll use me just so others can relate) with such phrases like: Friend come over and lay with me, you're the only girl that understands me, if we weren't just friends, you're the only one I ike talking to, I got mad love for you, I just wanna be with you tonight......and any thing else that I can think of.
Keep it 100...be my friend, potna, don't make my heart feel a certain way it shouldn't.

It's how you play the friendship. Choose your words carefully.

Chellesz

Tabitha said...

Just talked about this subject recently with someone. Guy told her the he is not looking to be in a relationship right now but yet and still she is analyzing everything he does. Hoping that he will change his mind.....u are setting yourself up for heartbreak and you can't blame anyone but yourself! I don't understand...we as women complain about men not being upfront and playing games but then when he lays it out on the table for you....you hear something else!! If you are looking for a relationship, find someone who wants one also, don't try to change the one who doesn't want what you want!

Dating Whobie Whatie? said...

I think what interests me most about this is that your forming some type of relationship anyway. So if you start by saying, I don't want to be in a relationship at this time or I'm not looking to be in a relationship at this time, what does that really mean? Because once two people start talking more, spending time together, and laying around all boo-ed up...a relationship has been formed. The key to all of this is, like others have said, be completely upfront and honest. Don't just say what you don't want, say what you DO want. And be SPECIFIC. Generalities will get that ass everytime! We all try to be mind-driven, but we are human, and the heart will eventually take over. So the more specific we are in the beginning, the better later. A hard conversation may still ensure at some point, but hey, such is life. And if the person STILL acts ugly after you've done and did all you could, cut your losses, and make better choices about who you let into you life next time.

Anonymous said...

Dazed & Confused,
I have definitely experienced this. I was the girl that heard "I do not want to be in a relationship right now" and ignored it. However, I ignored it because of the huge amounts of time we spent getting to know each other and the intimate conversations we were having (nothing physical or sexual guys.) It was as if we were building a relationship and when it got serious enough for me to bring up the talk again -- Where is this going? he would bring back the "but I told you I didn't want a relationship."

Here's what I learned from it. When a man says he does not want to be in a relationship, women don't fool yourselves just keep it moving. There are so many other men out there who are willing to make a commitment to you, just keep it moving. If his situation changes and you want to give him the time of day again go ahead but I have learned that where some women go back on their word, men don't and what they say is usually what they mean. Don't stick around because you think eventually he will realize what a good catch you are and change his mind. Bad idea-- Because in the end you will only be hurting you.

And for men, (Mr. Dazed & Confused) understand women a little more. Women are emotional beings and if you say you do not want to be in a relationship yet you do more than friends do...you know: start calling her honey, sweetheart, boo etc or talk to her into the wee hours of the morning...The signals you are sending to her reads that you want more. The more time you spend with her, the more she likes you thus the more she believes the situation might change.

What amazes me is that a man can tell when a woman is interested in him (more than a friendship) and you know you don't want anything else yet still embraces all that she does. Just because you said at the beginning that you were not ready for a relationship does not mean that you never have to have that talk again. I think men also have a duty to not accept gifts, don't go out on those dinner dates she sets up, don't go out to the movies etc..etc....And I am only talking about a situation where it is obvious that a woman clearly wants more and the man does not. If that is the case, yes I am saying don't hang out with her as much. Eventually then she will move on. I didn't want to mention this but don't state your point up front yet lead her on after. And leading her on is accepting everything she gives and always having these one on one dates.

Tiff said...

I totally agree with all the comments!

K.I.R., communicate, and be open/honest about what you REALLY want...and everything will be a-okay (unless you're dealing with a psycho that cannot appreciate the truth).

*K.I.R.=keep it real...not enough people do this!

Anonymous said...

Dating Whobie Whatie, are you for real with your statemnet about relationships? I understand your statement to say that "unless he tells me I dont want a serious relationship and am going to persue him". Correct me if I am wrong. If you say no, I don't want to have sex with you, but we kiss and touch, should I automatically think that you really want to have sex and was just using that to not look easy? Friendship, work, business, etc are all relationships. And you are right, one should be clear what type of relationship we are expected to give. Just liike it is the man's job to CLEARLY define the type of relationship we are looking for, it is the woman's job to CLEARLY understand what type of relationship he is looking for from her."Lets play it by air and see where it goes is not really something you one to get caught up in", Somebody might be getting hurt, please dont let it be me, lord! Think people...

Nikkie

Dating Whobie Whatie? said...

Nikkie, yes, I think you misunderstood my statement. You wrote, "I understand your statement to say that unless he tells me I dont want a serious relationship and am going to persue him". I'm not sure how to read this, but if you're thinking that I'm saying to pursue a serious relationship with a man even after he says he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship, no that's not what I'm saying. And I am also not saying to play it by ear if that's not really what you want. I think we might actually be agreeing with one another and just not following what the other is saying...better luck next time I guess.

Anonymous said...

So tell me something. What does it really mean if someone says. "I'm not looking for a relationship?" Nikkie's comment for example. So, Nikkie, in your example,R saying two people kiss and touch after it has been discussed that someone out of the two doesn't want a relationship? What is that? I think that is where the confusion comes. Is it just a "kiss" or is it a test to see if the other party is willing to go further even after it has been stated one of the two people don't want to have sex w/the other? Could it just be pure attraction between the two people? Or is that this may be revisited at some "other time"? Can these two people not be friends if something like this occurs? Yeah, this person may want to have sex w/the other and doesn't mean they are trying to be easy, maybe they don't want to under those certain circumstances...but why did the kiss take place to begin with?

Maybe after something like this happens some clarification needs to be established!?! It did happen for a reason, so find out why! See where the other persons head is at! What did the kiss mean? Someone needs to speak up because some signals may be crossed in a situation like that!

I think that is where the trouble comes in. When two people are attracted to each other (friends or acquaintances) and they do things such as kiss and touch. I feel the problem here is communication. People need to communicate, "Where do we go from here?" needs to be said. Feelings can be involved or it could have been just the hormones of one or both.

Question,when a person says they don't want a relationship at this time does that mean to automatically count that person out? Can you remain friends, still continue to get to know each other better (then some interest may form that both parties didn't know was there), does this mean not right now, but maybe in the future (no I'm not saying wait forever either), and what do you do in situation like Nikkie's?

Analyst said...

Y'll know that most men do not think with their top head(depends which angle you are looking from..lol) and most of the Brothers I have heard tell women, " I am not looking for a relationship at this time" are Brothers who have recently got out of a relationship. These are guys that still have that need for intimacy and if put in a situation, might not draw back (for different reasons). Because it feels good to be wanted...

Ladies, Brothers... Its ok to let them know that if we cross this line, most of those rules are out the window. And if you have already crossed that line, then bring the topic up again.. Just like we plan for our careers, and kids, we do need to sit and plan where the friendship/relationship is going and do we want to enter into those jucies.. (I mean waters) or not... This is our lives and we as a people need to take control of it...(Y'all know I am really talking about my story right?..lol)

Sidebar:.. I am glad this Big Head Bwoy decided fi do dis.. I am going to vent the heck out on this blog..

I am Nikkie... and you know the rest.

Anonymous said...

Once the lines have been crossed between two people, whether it be kissing, touching, or sex, can these to truly be just friends? I think that is a joke. I'm not talking friends w/benefits either! Kinda seems impossible if the two people are attracted or interested in each other. I'm talking about bad timing. One person wants the relationship and the other doesn't.

I also have a scenario: 2 people are mutually into each other, but 1 of the 2 doesn't want a relationship at this time. Why is it that when the person is ready for a relationship they never seem to try to start a relationship w/the person that shared mutual interest from the start? It never fails to be some random person that came out of the blue! WTF???

Enlighten me please...